Death

When I'm pregnant death seems so unreal to me. Here I am carrying new life and people still die.

When I was pregnant with Penny our pastor's five year old daughter passed away. A friend from high school committed suicide. And a couple days after a dear friend lost her battle with cancer.

This past week a friend's grandpa passed away. A friend's mom lost her battle with cancer. And my thirteen year old cousin committed suicide.

Every time I hear of someone dying, my heart shatters into a million pieces. I think about all the people that know and love them and how difficult it is to continue on living without them here.

People die at any and all ages.
People die from many different causes.
But here's the thing, every single person is going to die.

The night before my 13th birthday I tried to take my own life.
That is way too young to feel like there was nothing left worth living for. But truly any age is too young to feel like there's nothing worth living for.
When I look back and ask myself why...I really don't know what I thought was so terrible about my life back then. Sure, I had family issues. I got picked on at school, and bullied by "mean girls." I was insecure. I thought I was just too average a human to ever do anything great. I figured a few people would miss me, but they would get over it. I suffered from depression and constant negative thoughts. But none of that should have led me to try ending my life.
Thankfully God took hold of me that night. And although none of my "problems" disappeared immediately, I had a completely new perspective.
I had a life worth living for. I didn't know what was to come, but now that more than a decade has passed, I can see that God had/has great plans for me. 

I want to ask anyone who is having thoughts of taking their life, please don't do it.
You can't give up, there is Hope. God truly cares about you, and He has far greater plans for your life if you'll decide to live for Him. If you're looking to friends/family to make you happy, I'm sorry to tell you, people will always let you down. We are not perfect, we mess up, we're selfish. Life is still going to have it's rough moments. But God's perfect love can heal all wounds. And truly, life's not all bad. I understand when you're in the thick of it it seems like there's no way things could ever get better, but they do.

I also want to ask anyone reading this, do you know where you're going to end up when you die?
If you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, death can be a very scary thing.
When I think of my death I'm ecstatic for myself and sad for the loved ones I leave behind. I can't wait to get to Heaven, but I also love my family and friends and hope to live a full life blessing and loving on them.

Do you want to have a personal relationship with Jesus?
Do you want to know where you'll spend eternity after you die?
All you have to do is pray [talking to Jesus] a simple prayer (and mean it!) asking Jesus to come into your heart. Tell Him you know that He died on the cross for you & ask him to forgive you of your sins. Tell Him you turn from your old ways, and you turn to Him in faith.
It might be a huge *aha* moment. Or you might feel exactly the same. Regardless of how you feel physically, your life is changed forever!

Life is not always an easy journey, and just because you're a Christian doesn't mean life is easier. But with Christ, there is Hope. Death doesn't have to be a scary thing, it can still be a really sad thing, but you don't have to fear it.

Weekend Recap

The leaves are starting to change. The night air is crisp and refreshing.
This past Friday I made pumpkin butterscotch cookies (link here), I forgot just how addicting they are and may have ate enough to feed a small village.
I also made my favorite fall/winter soup, zuppa toscana!
That night we hosted a bonfire and my heart is still so full.
Sometimes you just need to hang out with like-minded souls and converse & laugh your cares away.
I stared into the starlit sky and just marveled at what a delightful day it turned out to be.

Saturday morning consisted of family errands.
In the afternoon Zach headed to the church, as he was playing drums all weekend.
Penny and I picked up my friend, Lauren, and we headed downtown.
We went to a local coffee shop where a friend has his amazing artwork displayed.
Then we walked to a new vintage store to take a peek.
It was so warm outside, I felt completely unprepared to go back to summer temperatures. 
I decided to attend church that night.
Usually when Zach plays I'll sit up front so we can sit together during the message.
But that night I showed up just as worship was starting and got squeezed into the middle of a row close to the back.
For those of you who don't know, I get really anxious around large groups of people. I (usually) don't go into full blown panic attacks, but just feel extremely claustrophobic. And when I'm pregnant these feelings are heightened.
I fought really hard to zone everyone and everything out and just focus on worship and then taking my notes during the sermon.
It ended up being my favorite message in this new series, ARROWS.
ARROWS is all about the family.
Maybe in the future I'll delve into my personal story about family, and why this series has been hitting me so hard.
If you have a family of your own, or plan on having a family in the future, I encourage you to check this series out...it is seriously blowing my mind!

Penny and I had a lazy start to our Sunday morning, which I thoroughly enjoy lazy starts to days!
Then came nap time, which has been a bit of a struggle.
Penny had been doing a one hour nap around 11am, and another around 3pm.
Then she quit altogether, or would do her famous "Penny 10-minute power snoozes."
Then she started going down around 12:30-1pm for about an hour and a half.
So, with this constantly changing I never know what to expect.
Well, I put her down at 12:30pm, and that girl didn't wake up until 3:30pm!!
When Zach got home around 1pm I decided to take a quick nap as well, but it ended up being a two hour nap!!
WOWZA! The crazy thing is I actually woke up feeling great and refreshed. That does not happen for me after naps. I always end up feeling more groggy.
The rest of the day continued to be mellow and relaxing, just what this family needed!

I feel like we had been go, go, go for the past few months. Trying to pack our schedule full with hikes and any outdoor activity to soak up the last bits of summer.
I'm so, so thankful for this past weekend.

An honest post about my thoughts on being pregnant a second time.

Get ready for a SUPER honest post ::

Holy cow! 
I'm pregnant again!
Penelope will be right around 18 months when the new babe is due to arrive (February 2nd, 2015). As I write this post I am almost 18 weeks along. When I look at my baby Penny it's hard to see her as a big sister. She's just my tiny baby girl. I think the first little while is going to be a huge adjustment, but we're going to make it through. We always do.

Let's start with my first pregnancy :
Honestly, I was "one of those woman" who had an amazing pregnancy, labor & birth experience.
I didn't have any morning sickness/nausea.
I was really tired the whole first trimester, but was able to take naps after work.
As far as my hormones they completely mellowed me out. Nothing got under my skin.
Some friends said I was the most pleasant pregnant lady to be around.
I gained weight, but never felt bloated or uncomfortable.
Vain, I know, but I didn't get any stretch marks on my stomach. If you know me well, you know why this was huge for me.
Vain (again), I lost the baby weight and had my pre-baby body back in no time at all. (I told you, "one of those woman.")
From the time I started counting contractions until I delivered Penny was 23 hours. It didn't feel that long though. Pushing only took 50 minutes. I consider that relatively short labor for a first-time mom. I have heard some wicked labor stories, one of my sisters & sister-in-laws being some of them.
I do wish I would have read more or asked more questions about postpartum. That part was not my favorite, if you've given birth you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't and are curious just ask and I can give you all the gory details making you NEVER want to give birth, EVER solely because of what you go through in the week(s) following. :)
Overall it truly was an unbelievably wonderful experience, and I loved every part of it. When I look back even the postpartum falls into that "loved every part." I mean when you're holding your newborn baby there's not much that can bring you down. 

This pregnancy :
Horrible nausea all day from 6-12 weeks. Which means, the whole trip to England was me wanting to puke my guts out! Not going to lie it was difficult for me to enjoy myself when feeling so sick. I also felt extremely claustrophobic. Being pregnant, carrying Penny, and then in London there was no place to go that wasn't crowded with people, I almost lost my mind a couple times. 
I STILL gag, dry-heave and/or puke when I have to change Penny's poopy diapers. This morning, for instance, puked my guts out and all I had so far was some coffee. 
Not only was I tired the whole first trimester, but I am still feeling tired and I'm well into the second trimester now.
Hormones = CRAZY!! With Penny I told Zach that I felt like woman used pregnancy as an excuse to act certain ways. This pregnancy there is no controlling myself. I am emotional, mean, irritable, easily annoyed, etc. I get stressed out over NOTHING and EVERYTHING.
I haven't gained too much weight yet, but I am already popped out to where I was well into my pregnancy with Penny, and I feel HUGE. I know I'm not huge, but it feels so different the second time around. I wore my pants, fully zipped and buttoned my entire pregnancy with Penny. There were maybe two of my skinniest jeans that didn't fit. This time I can't wear any of my pants if I plan on sitting down.
I feel like my skin is not doing awesome "pregnancy glow" things.
No stretch marks yet, I guess we'll wait and see.

It's honestly extremely difficult for me to have excitement with this pregnancy, and that makes me feel like a horrible mother to this unborn child. The poor babe, I know it's not their fault, but this momma feels miserable. 
I think the worst part is KNOWING that my attitude sucks with this pregnancy, but truly not being able to find the JOY in the new life growing in my belly.

I think it all boils down to fear.
My deep rooted issues of FEAR.
Fear that I won't know how to love another child as much as I love my Penelope.
Fear that I'm going to fail at being a mother.
Fear that I'm going to ruin one or both of their lives because I don't know how to equally split my time, praise them, teach them, discipline them, etc.
Fear that my body is going to fall apart. Literally just crumble to pieces. I've had dreams about it people, it's SCARY!
Fear that Penny is going to act up at the same time the new babe is having a screaming fit and I'm just going to lose my mind.
Fear that I won't have ANY patience.
Fear that my anger will get the best of me and I'll be a mean and horrible mother.
Fear, fear, fear.
I am a selfish human who has a lot of fear that is overtaking my joy in this miraculous pregnancy.

What does the Bible say about fear?

“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

I wish it were as simple as reading those verses, praying about it, and then feeling all better. Unfortunately, I've been talking with God about all these fears since the day I found out I was pregnant and still haven't felt a peace, joy, or resolution. But I'm not giving up.
If you have fears, maybe or maybe not pregnancy/parenting related, I encourage you to bring your fears to God and ask for His Peace, Joy & Resolution. It may not be an immediate answer you get, but sometimes these things take time.

Weekend Recap

On Friday Zach, our friend Beau & I went out to dinner at Mambo Italiano. Then we went to the Northern Bar so Zach could play drums for a couple of songs with his brother's band. It was a fabulous evening with family and friends sharing so many laughs.

Saturday we met up with Zach's sister Meg, her husband Isaac and their two girls Emlyn & Isla. We drove up to Glacier National Park and hiked to Virginia Falls. After our hike we continued on to East Glacier. We stopped at The Park Cafe for a slice of pie and then drove home.

This stretch usually has some amazing views, but the fog got so thick this was all we could see.

The only full shot I got of Virginia Falls and it was the only blurry photo!

There was a grizzly bear. You should never exit a vehicle to get a closer look at a bear. There were people who had climbed up the hillside to get closer. I'm sorry but that is idiotic! 

Isaac jumping in to St Mary Lake

Zach about to jump in.

Sunday we met at Isaac & Meg's to hike again. Zach's parents and our friends Beau & Tanner came along. We decided to hike Mt Aeneas in the Jewel Basin.

On the hike back down Penny dropped her monkey somewhere along the trail. :( 

 

 

Once again, we had a FANTASTIC weekend!