Questions To Ask Yourself To Help Blossom Your Marriage

Would you admit that you started out thinking marriage was going to have very few difficult moments and overall your vision was much bliss and fairytale vibes?!
I'll admit it. I honestly thought marriage would be so much easier than dating.
With four years of dating behind us, I pictured our foundation being unshakeable, and secure enough to carry us through anything, especially any difficult time.
Although a solid foundation of friendship IS great, my vision of marriage didn't require so much effort. But it's like Levi Lusko says, "marriage is spelled w-o-r-k."
At 20, I was immature and selfish when we vowed forever.
Reality smacked me in the face and I had a big pity party. [I'm a recovering narcissist.]
Four years in, there was a wake up call; which is a story for another time.
It pushed me to put in the effort required to flourish our marriage.
I read books and articles, put advice to practice, and made the conscious choice to make my husband a priority.
Seven and a half years in we were rebuilding from scratch; another story for another time.
I vowed to put in even more effort.
Over a year later, there are still days I fail. There are full weeks I fail.
But my encouragement to you is the same encouragement I repeat over and over to myself : progress not perfection.
In all my progress I've come across plenty of articles and books with all sorts of advice on 'how to make your marriage better than ever.'
In this post, I've gathered a compilation of some encouragement I've found through my research and own desire for a flourishing marriage.
Is it possible to make your marriage better than ever? Absolutely!
It's all up to you and the efforts you're willing to put in.
Proceed with understanding that personal pruning is involved.
The pruning process is not to harm you, but to blossom the fruit of your labor.
Let's get started...

Why am I married to my spouse?

A lot of times we forget our why.
Why did we marry them?
Why are we still married to them?
Take some time and remember your why.
Write it down.
Now, let's think about the basic concept of marriage for a second.
According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary definition marriage is :
The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.
Some synonyms : alliance, fusion, or partnership.
A quick google search for 'the purpose of marriage' pops up hundreds of articles, mostly stating "The primary purpose for marriage is fellowship, companionship, and a mutual help and comfort."
After reading those definitions, go back to your why.
Is your why complicated or pretty basic?
Are the expectations you have on your spouse on par with companionship and a mutual help and comfort? Or are you expecting more?
Let's look at a few people's personal definitions of marriage :
"Marriage is the adventure of discovering one another so you can share body, mind, and spirit intimacy." Linda Dillow
""You don't marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams.
Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”"
Seth Adam Smith - Marriage Isn't For You 
"The whole point of marriage is to encourage your partner's development and have them encourage yours." Carol Dweck
Go back to your why.
Rewrite it if you need to.
Let your spouse know you've been putting unrealistic expectations on them and you're getting back to the basics of why you married in the first place, and why you LOVE being married to them still.

What's it like to be married to me?

Last year I read the book "What's It Like To Be Married To Me? - and other dangerous questions" by Linda Dillow.
Take an honest glance at yourself and ask, what's it like being married to me?
What's it like to wake up next to me?
What's it like to fight with me?
What's it like to travel with me?
What's it like to have sex with me?
What's it like to not enjoy the dinner I made?
What's it like to parent with me?
Write it all down.
Honestly, what do you think it's like to be married to you?
Have you ever asked your spouse, "How can I make your day better?"
According to this article, asking that simple question every day 'saved' this couples marriage.
Have you ever asked your spouse, "When do you feel the most loved by me?" "How am I doing at being your spouse lately?" "What areas of our marriage do you feel could use improvement?"
Don't ask those questions unless you're willing to hear an honest answer and are willing to start or continue the process of growing, learning, adapting, and changing.
Prune, ya'll.
If you're ready, ask away.
And do it without proposing you want to tell your spouse your answers.
It's not about you right now.

What areas of our marriage could we improve?

What's been going on recently that makes you say, this particular part of our marriage is not going so great?
Relationships ebb and flow.
We grow through seasons of good and difficult.
Anyone who has talked to me in the past year about marriage has most definitely heard me mention The Gottman Institute.
John and Julie Gottman have wisdom up the wazoo pertaining to marital stability and how to avoid certain behaviors that harm these relationships.
In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman states the signs for divorce are :
1. harsh start-up
2. four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling)
3. flooding
4. body language
5. failed repair attempts
6. bad memories
The end draws near in these four final stages
1. You see your marital problems as severe.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own.
3. You start leading parallel lives.
4. Loneliness sets in.
The HOPE is found in these seven principles for making your marriage work ::
1. Enhance your love maps
2. Nurture fondness and admiration
3. Turn toward each other instead of away
4. Let your partner influence you
5. Solve your solvable problems
6. Overcome gridlock
7. Create shared meaning

Do you feel you're on the same team as your spouse?
Do you work through fights together and not against each other?
Do you create solutions where you both win - compromise?
What have you put in place to prevent negativity from escalating out of control?

How are you taking care of yourself?

In order to be a good spouse, you must first take care of yourself.
I came across a cute image that's titled, "Bucket Filling Family" and thought I need to create a "Bucket Filling Self" because you cannot pour out anything when your bucket is empty.
So what things fill you up?
What could you speak over yourself or do for yourself that would ultimately help you be a better version of yourself?
Visit here to get to know yourself better.

If my spouse were to treat me the way I treat them, would I be happy?

Marriage is constant work. There are no vacation days, no sick leave, no clocking out at 5pm. And when you hit a groove where everything is going great, you still need to maintain that work. Marriage is the most difficult and most rewarding relationship to maintain. Prune what needs pruning, and then patiently wait to bloom, flourish, and blossom!

Love well,
Nicole

Five Ways To Fight FOR Your Marriage

What is your biggest fear in marriage?
Can I take a wild guess? Divorce?
It is a very relevant fear when the statistics say half [yes, 50%] of all marriages in the United States end in divorce.
This begs the question, what are we doing wrong?
Pause.
Take a moment to look at this article by Dr. John Gottman, who is extremely accurate at predicting divorce.
Are you willing to admit that you use a harsh startup, criticism or stonewalling, negative body language, and/or do not regularly apologize?
They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Let's all admit where we are weak and commit to becoming strong!

According to Dr. John Gottman, "emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this having a richly detailed love map."

Are you ready to set your marriage up for success?

5 Ways To Fight For Your Marriage

1. Date Your Mate!
When is the last time you consistently dated your spouse?
Excuses are easily made.
You can blame each other for not scheduling it OR you can take charge and mark five dates on the calendar, RIGHT NOW!
When you have kids it's easy to turn your focus on raising them and neglect giving your spouse the attention they need.
What most of us forget is how important it is for our children to see their parents living out a healthy, loving, nurtured relationship.
The example we set for our children is likely what they're going to seek once they are ready to marry.
So, if not for yourself, do it for the children!
Let's be real, the budget is probably the number one excuse as to why you don't date.
Especially when you have kids.
It goes something like this...you've saved up enough to go out to a nice dinner but you have to save double that amount in order to pay for a babysitter. It is taking forever to happen because things come up and that $10 you keep trying to put aside for the babysitter is now going to (fill in the blank - because life continues to happen over and over again).
No more excuses! 
Child watch swap! Pay a babysitter and do something free (like eating Costco samples)! Set up a movie on the laptop in a bedroom for the kiddos and hang out in the living room - or you and your spouse take your bums outside! Plan something for after the kids go to bed!
*When our girls were little we would put them to bed, bring the baby monitor outside, and sit by a bonfire...THOSE are some of my favorite date night memories!*
So, who's going to commit to dating their spouse this week?!

2. Take Care Of Yourself!
What are you doing to take care of yourself?
Imagine yourself an empty pitcher. In order to pour into others, you must first fill yourself up.
How are you filling yourself up?
There's lots of information out there regarding self-care.
If you're having a difficult time finding motivation, visit my blog post here.
Hopefully it will give you that little boost to finally focus on you!
Most of the time, when you take care of yourself, you become a happier you.
Happier you = happier people around you.
Happier people around you = your spouse!
In the beginning your spouse enjoyed spending time with you because they found you interesting.
They saw qualities that inspired them, your ambitions were contagious, and your smile was infectious.
If you've lost yourself in any way, it's time to find you again!
So, who's going to commit to a little self-care this week?

3. Laugh Together!
When is the last time you laughed it off?
Your spouse does things that get under your skin.
For most, it's a daily occurrence.
Currently, I have braces and it seems to fling a ton of toothpaste on the mirror.
Cleaning that up is not always top priority, so there are days where it sits.
My husband could choose to nag me, but he doesn't.
My husband could choose to laugh it off, but he hasn't.
But I can guarantee if he laughed at it every time he saw it, we would have a quirky inside joke that brought a little more joy into our lives. Because every time I heard a chuckle come from the bathroom I would think, 'oh poo, I forgot to clean that toothpaste up again. Thank goodness my husband has a sense of humor and can laugh with me.' And then I will be more likely to clean that up as soon as he's out of there.
Do you have a situation that could use some laughter to lighten the mood?
If you need motivation that laughter truly is the best medicine, read these 120 Inspirational Quotes About Laughter.
So, who's going to commit to laughing more with their spouse this week?

4. Channel Your Inner Wild-Child!
Have you had a dance party recently?
Dancing like a child brings an instant fun-factor.
They hop, skip, and jump through streets.
Kids make silly faces, are playful, and tell obnoxious jokes.
Children are naturally optimistic.
Have you ever been to a five year olds birthday party?
It is a special kind of magic.
They open their gifts and it is an absolute joy to witness!
"It's what I've always wanted!"
"It's exactly what I asked for!"
"Did you see this? It's so beautiful/awesome!"
They show off their gift like it's their proudest possession - because in that moment, it is!
What if you treated your spouse like a child treats their new favorite toy?
What if you flaunted your spouse around in public by holding their hand and acting so proud that they are yours to hold on to?
Because you know what?! You are lucky!
You are so incredibly lucky to have your significant other!
You have a gift that deserves lots of care and attention.
You are capable of fun, pizzazz, and letting loose!
So, who's going to channel their inner wild-child with their spouse this week?

5. Adventure Together!
When is the last time you did something new with your spouse?
Maybe you have an interest in cross-country skiing or rock climbing, but you don't have the gear to go out and do it.
Search Craigslist or Facebook Sell Sites. Ask family or friends if it's something you can borrow, or that they would give you, or maybe they'd all chip in for.
Do you enjoy going on backcountry road drives?
The thought of a whining child, or a complaining spouse are enough to make anyone want to turn around. But I encourage you to push through!
Is there a place you've always wanted to visit?
Figure out the amount you need to save to make it happen, and then start pinching pennies!
Go on a bike ride.
Walk around your neighborhood.
Give each other $10 and head to the thrift store. Either come up with the craziest outfit or the best gift for each other or the best bang for your bucks!
Adventure is right outside your front door. The options are endless.
Pursuing common interests creates bonds and memories.
So, who's going on an adventure with their spouse this week?

We need to start fighting FOR our marriages!

We need to make them WORTH fighting for!

Love each other well,
Nicole

*Inspiration was pulled from my original blog post published on June 3rd, 2014.*
*And also from this original blog post published on April 27th, 2016.*

Is Happily Ever After A Myth?

It was my momma's 40th birthday.
My dad organized a fishing charter around Flathead Lake in northwest Montana.
It was a lovely day of catching and releasing, family memories being made, sunburns, and then after we finished lunch we cruised to shore for the grand finale!
Once we hit land, my momma was surprised with friends singing "Happy Birthday."
The cake looked beautiful.
Chocolate frosting, simple but intricate decorations, and a single "40" candle waiting to be blown out.
After much applause my momma grabbed the knife and started to cut her cake.
But something odd was happening...she couldn't slice into it.
Giggles and robust laughter erupted.
"FOOLED YOU!" Yelled out one friend. "It's a sponge!"
Not at all what any of us (except the friend that made it) were expecting.
Looking on the outside there was no way to tell the the inside was a massive sponge you would use to scrub your vehicle.
In the same way the cake was deceiving, I have found that marriage is not at all what I expected it to be.Growing up you're told that you get married, and then it's happily ever after. The end.
I am truly sorry if I'm the one to crush your fairytale dreams.
The movies show the fluff, the romantic, all the good - no great! - aspects of what marriage can be.
Your parents worked their bums off to fight out of ear-shot.
Watching friends' parents, or your aunts + uncles furthered your illusion.
Typically marriage is portrayed as a picture perfect cake.
I'm not saying that once you get past your honeymoon phase it's fake.
I'm saying it's more work than anyone ever tells you it's going to be.
You're cutting into something that you imagined to be smooth-sailing, easy breezy, and it's just..it's just not.
Laundry seems to be on the floor more often than being placed in the basket.
Toothpaste is splattered on the mirror within hours of it being cleaned.
Your spouse is more stubborn, or hot-headed, or horrible with money than you could have ever anticipated.
To put it bluntly : what you once found endearing is now annoying.
Skreeeeeech.
Let's halt there.
This begs the question :
Is love a feeling or a choice?
It is a continual conscious commitment.
Feelings vanish and fade.
You have to choose to identify what is broken and work to fix it.

Saying "I do" means saying "I will..."

1. I will think more of you and less of myself.
What is the last positive thought you had toward your spouse?
What is the last positive thing you did for your spouse?
Your spouse is a living breathing human with feelings, needs, and wants.
Humbly put yourself in their shoes and act accordingly.
No matter who your spouse is, every single person benefits from physical touch and words of affirmation (even if the love language test says otherwise).
So place your hand on their arm, shoulder, or leg - look into their eyes - and say at the very basic "I love being your spouse. Thank you for being my friend. I appreciate you." Keep it simple, direct, and most of all sincere.

2. I will respect my spouse.
This might mean you make an agreement to not name-call during fights.
Listen intently when your spouse is talking.
Don't listen to respond. Just listen.
Nurturing fondness and admiration // (a principle from The Gottman Institute)
Write out :
1. One characteristic you find lovable
2. A good time you shared.
3. One physical attribute you like
4. Something they've done recently to make you proud.
5. A struggle/difficult time you conquered together.

3. I will think of us as a team.
If you have ever played a sport, or been apart of a project at work, then you know that attitude has a big impact on outcome.
Your attitude toward your spouse will determine how well you work together to overcome conflict.
Your positivity could be the hurdle that needs jumped in order to change the whole atmosphere of your marriage.
As part of a team you value what each person brings to the table instead of trying to change them.
And fyi, you can't change someone else anyway. Ever. You only have the power to change you.

4. I will protect our marriage.
Flash your ring at the overly flirtatious cashier.
Never text or private message someone of the opposite sex without your spouse or another person included. Or at the very least make sure your spouse is 'in the know.'
Don't ever, even for a second, think you can let your guard down.
Voice expectations. Don't beat around the bush. Don't think they can read your mind.
Be honest about your needs.
For years my husband would say, "calm down."
Goodness that would make my temper flair even more.
Finally, I decided to be vulnerable, "instead of saying calm down, can you say "calm down porcupine?""
He laughed. ""That's the exact same thing!"
My rebuttal? "Uh no, adding porcupine will remind me to lighten up. It comes across more fun-loving instead of judgmental."
Working together towards solutions instead of complaining behind their back provides a thick layer of protection.

5. I will put in the work.
Imagine yourself a farmer.
You can't change the crop that will bloom, but you can tend to the soil surrounding your seed (spouse).
Give your seed water (their love language), sunlight (respect), and the best soil (foundation of trust).
Start small.
Start with daily intentionality.

So is happily ever after a myth?
Probably the version you always envisioned is, indeed, a myth.
But if you're realistic, happily ever after is possible.
You just need to keep saying "I will..."
Every. Single. Day.

Love well,
Nicole