Get ready for a SUPER honest post ::
Holy cow!
I'm pregnant again!
Penelope will be right around 18 months when the new babe is due to arrive (February 2nd, 2015). As I write this post I am almost 18 weeks along. When I look at my baby Penny it's hard to see her as a big sister. She's just my tiny baby girl. I think the first little while is going to be a huge adjustment, but we're going to make it through. We always do.
Let's start with my first pregnancy :
Honestly, I was "one of those woman" who had an amazing pregnancy, labor & birth experience.
I didn't have any morning sickness/nausea.
I was really tired the whole first trimester, but was able to take naps after work.
As far as my hormones they completely mellowed me out. Nothing got under my skin.
Some friends said I was the most pleasant pregnant lady to be around.
I gained weight, but never felt bloated or uncomfortable.
Vain, I know, but I didn't get any stretch marks on my stomach. If you know me well, you know why this was huge for me.
Vain (again), I lost the baby weight and had my pre-baby body back in no time at all. (I told you, "one of those woman.")
From the time I started counting contractions until I delivered Penny was 23 hours. It didn't feel that long though. Pushing only took 50 minutes. I consider that relatively short labor for a first-time mom. I have heard some wicked labor stories, one of my sisters & sister-in-laws being some of them.
I do wish I would have read more or asked more questions about postpartum. That part was not my favorite, if you've given birth you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't and are curious just ask and I can give you all the gory details making you NEVER want to give birth, EVER solely because of what you go through in the week(s) following. :)
Overall it truly was an unbelievably wonderful experience, and I loved every part of it. When I look back even the postpartum falls into that "loved every part." I mean when you're holding your newborn baby there's not much that can bring you down.
This pregnancy :
Horrible nausea all day from 6-12 weeks. Which means, the whole trip to England was me wanting to puke my guts out! Not going to lie it was difficult for me to enjoy myself when feeling so sick. I also felt extremely claustrophobic. Being pregnant, carrying Penny, and then in London there was no place to go that wasn't crowded with people, I almost lost my mind a couple times.
I STILL gag, dry-heave and/or puke when I have to change Penny's poopy diapers. This morning, for instance, puked my guts out and all I had so far was some coffee.
Not only was I tired the whole first trimester, but I am still feeling tired and I'm well into the second trimester now.
Hormones = CRAZY!! With Penny I told Zach that I felt like woman used pregnancy as an excuse to act certain ways. This pregnancy there is no controlling myself. I am emotional, mean, irritable, easily annoyed, etc. I get stressed out over NOTHING and EVERYTHING.
I haven't gained too much weight yet, but I am already popped out to where I was well into my pregnancy with Penny, and I feel HUGE. I know I'm not huge, but it feels so different the second time around. I wore my pants, fully zipped and buttoned my entire pregnancy with Penny. There were maybe two of my skinniest jeans that didn't fit. This time I can't wear any of my pants if I plan on sitting down.
I feel like my skin is not doing awesome "pregnancy glow" things.
No stretch marks yet, I guess we'll wait and see.
It's honestly extremely difficult for me to have excitement with this pregnancy, and that makes me feel like a horrible mother to this unborn child. The poor babe, I know it's not their fault, but this momma feels miserable.
I think the worst part is KNOWING that my attitude sucks with this pregnancy, but truly not being able to find the JOY in the new life growing in my belly.
I think it all boils down to fear.
My deep rooted issues of FEAR.
Fear that I won't know how to love another child as much as I love my Penelope.
Fear that I'm going to fail at being a mother.
Fear that I'm going to ruin one or both of their lives because I don't know how to equally split my time, praise them, teach them, discipline them, etc.
Fear that my body is going to fall apart. Literally just crumble to pieces. I've had dreams about it people, it's SCARY!
Fear that Penny is going to act up at the same time the new babe is having a screaming fit and I'm just going to lose my mind.
Fear that I won't have ANY patience.
Fear that my anger will get the best of me and I'll be a mean and horrible mother.
Fear, fear, fear.
I am a selfish human who has a lot of fear that is overtaking my joy in this miraculous pregnancy.
What does the Bible say about fear?
“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace
of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and
your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
I wish it were as simple as reading those verses, praying about it, and then feeling all better. Unfortunately, I've been talking with God about all these fears since the day I found out I was pregnant and still haven't felt a peace, joy, or resolution. But I'm not giving up.
If you have fears, maybe or maybe not pregnancy/parenting related, I encourage you to bring your fears to God and ask for His Peace, Joy & Resolution. It may not be an immediate answer you get, but sometimes these things take time.
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