Questions To Ask Yourself To Help Blossom Your Marriage

Would you admit that you started out thinking marriage was going to have very few difficult moments and overall your vision was much bliss and fairytale vibes?!
I'll admit it. I honestly thought marriage would be so much easier than dating.
With four years of dating behind us, I pictured our foundation being unshakeable, and secure enough to carry us through anything, especially any difficult time.
Although a solid foundation of friendship IS great, my vision of marriage didn't require so much effort. But it's like Levi Lusko says, "marriage is spelled w-o-r-k."
At 20, I was immature and selfish when we vowed forever.
Reality smacked me in the face and I had a big pity party. [I'm a recovering narcissist.]
Four years in, there was a wake up call; which is a story for another time.
It pushed me to put in the effort required to flourish our marriage.
I read books and articles, put advice to practice, and made the conscious choice to make my husband a priority.
Seven and a half years in we were rebuilding from scratch; another story for another time.
I vowed to put in even more effort.
Over a year later, there are still days I fail. There are full weeks I fail.
But my encouragement to you is the same encouragement I repeat over and over to myself : progress not perfection.
In all my progress I've come across plenty of articles and books with all sorts of advice on 'how to make your marriage better than ever.'
In this post, I've gathered a compilation of some encouragement I've found through my research and own desire for a flourishing marriage.
Is it possible to make your marriage better than ever? Absolutely!
It's all up to you and the efforts you're willing to put in.
Proceed with understanding that personal pruning is involved.
The pruning process is not to harm you, but to blossom the fruit of your labor.
Let's get started...

Why am I married to my spouse?

A lot of times we forget our why.
Why did we marry them?
Why are we still married to them?
Take some time and remember your why.
Write it down.
Now, let's think about the basic concept of marriage for a second.
According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary definition marriage is :
The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.
Some synonyms : alliance, fusion, or partnership.
A quick google search for 'the purpose of marriage' pops up hundreds of articles, mostly stating "The primary purpose for marriage is fellowship, companionship, and a mutual help and comfort."
After reading those definitions, go back to your why.
Is your why complicated or pretty basic?
Are the expectations you have on your spouse on par with companionship and a mutual help and comfort? Or are you expecting more?
Let's look at a few people's personal definitions of marriage :
"Marriage is the adventure of discovering one another so you can share body, mind, and spirit intimacy." Linda Dillow
""You don't marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams.
Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”"
Seth Adam Smith - Marriage Isn't For You 
"The whole point of marriage is to encourage your partner's development and have them encourage yours." Carol Dweck
Go back to your why.
Rewrite it if you need to.
Let your spouse know you've been putting unrealistic expectations on them and you're getting back to the basics of why you married in the first place, and why you LOVE being married to them still.

What's it like to be married to me?

Last year I read the book "What's It Like To Be Married To Me? - and other dangerous questions" by Linda Dillow.
Take an honest glance at yourself and ask, what's it like being married to me?
What's it like to wake up next to me?
What's it like to fight with me?
What's it like to travel with me?
What's it like to have sex with me?
What's it like to not enjoy the dinner I made?
What's it like to parent with me?
Write it all down.
Honestly, what do you think it's like to be married to you?
Have you ever asked your spouse, "How can I make your day better?"
According to this article, asking that simple question every day 'saved' this couples marriage.
Have you ever asked your spouse, "When do you feel the most loved by me?" "How am I doing at being your spouse lately?" "What areas of our marriage do you feel could use improvement?"
Don't ask those questions unless you're willing to hear an honest answer and are willing to start or continue the process of growing, learning, adapting, and changing.
Prune, ya'll.
If you're ready, ask away.
And do it without proposing you want to tell your spouse your answers.
It's not about you right now.

What areas of our marriage could we improve?

What's been going on recently that makes you say, this particular part of our marriage is not going so great?
Relationships ebb and flow.
We grow through seasons of good and difficult.
Anyone who has talked to me in the past year about marriage has most definitely heard me mention The Gottman Institute.
John and Julie Gottman have wisdom up the wazoo pertaining to marital stability and how to avoid certain behaviors that harm these relationships.
In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman states the signs for divorce are :
1. harsh start-up
2. four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling)
3. flooding
4. body language
5. failed repair attempts
6. bad memories
The end draws near in these four final stages
1. You see your marital problems as severe.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own.
3. You start leading parallel lives.
4. Loneliness sets in.
The HOPE is found in these seven principles for making your marriage work ::
1. Enhance your love maps
2. Nurture fondness and admiration
3. Turn toward each other instead of away
4. Let your partner influence you
5. Solve your solvable problems
6. Overcome gridlock
7. Create shared meaning

Do you feel you're on the same team as your spouse?
Do you work through fights together and not against each other?
Do you create solutions where you both win - compromise?
What have you put in place to prevent negativity from escalating out of control?

How are you taking care of yourself?

In order to be a good spouse, you must first take care of yourself.
I came across a cute image that's titled, "Bucket Filling Family" and thought I need to create a "Bucket Filling Self" because you cannot pour out anything when your bucket is empty.
So what things fill you up?
What could you speak over yourself or do for yourself that would ultimately help you be a better version of yourself?
Visit here to get to know yourself better.

If my spouse were to treat me the way I treat them, would I be happy?

Marriage is constant work. There are no vacation days, no sick leave, no clocking out at 5pm. And when you hit a groove where everything is going great, you still need to maintain that work. Marriage is the most difficult and most rewarding relationship to maintain. Prune what needs pruning, and then patiently wait to bloom, flourish, and blossom!

Love well,
Nicole

Sharing Your Story

Dear readers,

It's been said many times, many ways: it takes a village [to raise a child].
When is a child fully raised?
My answer : never. As long as we're living, we are never done learning and growing.


Lately I've been a bit more open on my social media about some of my struggles and the ways I'm trying to improve my character.
I've talked about depression, anxiety, mental health, fear, frustration, anger, flaws, etc.
I've had a few comments and messages saying, "thank you for being authentic."
Some people probably look at those comments and think, "if they only knew 'dut da dah' about Nicole, she's not sharing ALL of her truths, therefore; not being authentic."
On a recent blog post, I wrote :
"Sharing every nitty gritty detail of your life with everyone isn't what makes you authentic. 

Authentic = genuine = sincere = truthful = free from deceit.

If someone wants to ask a question I will do my best to respond with truth."
I withhold some bits for various reasons, but mainly, it boils down to my journey in loving others well.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Just because it's part of my story, and I'm open about most parts, doesn't mean everything is appropriate to share with everyone.
Sharing my story should not include sharing parts of other’s story if it sheds a bad light on them, and that is where my struggle lies.
Or, maybe, eventually everything will get shared, but that's something I'm relying on God to reveal in His time, for His glory.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:29‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭20:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Many have gone before me, many are struggling right along side me, and many will walk through similar situations in the future.
If a bit of my story helps someone else feel less alone then that's an accomplishment toward part of what I feel we're here for each other for : community.

Have you found your village to share your joys and trials with?

Do you feel sharing bits of your story helps you or others more?

Thank you for taking some of your precious moments to 

read some of what's been on my heart + mind.

Peace be with you.

Love well,

Nicole

Pursuing Growth

Have you ever been to church camp?
If so, then you know that feeling of a spiritual high - that intense closeness to Jesus!
Camp ended, and you went home.
It was then that you realized friends and family back home didn't have the same enthusiasm as you.
Slowly [or maybe quickly] your feelings dissolved and life was back to "normal."

The same thing happens in other situations, too.

--You read a marriage article that fires you up! You are now determined to have the best marriage ever until your spouse comes home with a *cuss* attitude and makes a snarky comment.
--You listen to a sermon and feel the Holy Spirit moving tangibly through your body, giving you tingles and a lump in your throat. Afterward, you get in your car and someone cuts you off.
--You have a conversation with someone and feel all the wisdom and knowledge of everyone who has ever lived before you come flowing out of your mouth. Conversation over. You spend the next several days doing the exact opposite of taking your own advice.

What steps can you take to ensure that "mountain top moment" keep going as long as possible?

You have to consciously + intentionally CHOOSE to keep pursuing those "highs."

Most of the time you need an attitude alteration - a small shift to a more positive perspective.

You've heard Newton's first law of motion: 

"a body in motion stays in motion, and a body at rest stays at rest."

And so it is with your spirit.

You have to constantly be seeking positive growth in your spiritual life.

No one can do the work for you.

You must pursue Jesus on your own!

Read your Bible. Do devotionals. Listen to worship music. Attend church, and small group. 

Ask friends and/or family to join you in theological discussion. 

It is solely up to you to stay connected, to seek Jesus with your whole heart, to desire Him, and to live a thriving life keeping Jesus at the center.

I think it's also important to note that living on that mountain top ALL of the time is unrealistic.
In life, you will find valleys as well.
The thing to remember about those times is that growth can happen there, too!

"I will exalt you, Lord, for You rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.

O Lord my God, I cried to You for help, and You restored my health.

You brought me up from the grave, O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death."

Psalm 30:1-3

Peace + Growth. 

Love well,

Nicole

Life Right Now

Hello!

Sharing every nitty gritty detail of your life with everyone isn't what makes you authentic. 

Authentic = genuine = sincere = truthful = free from deceit.

If someone wants to ask a question I will do my best to respond with truth.
Otherwise, I'm just going to share what you call "shallow" details
 to fill people in on recent thoughts & happenings of my life.
As stated in my bio, my hopes of sharing have remained the same...
"I hope that my readers can relate, laugh, or find inspiration."

Let's catch up...

Overview

Three weeks ago we loaded the Uhaul and hit the road for Salt Lake City, Utah.
Why SLC? Hubster got a great job offer we couldn't refuse.

Living in the same valley for 28 years, in small town Montana, brings a comfort I didn't know I'd miss so much!
I miss the people back home the most, that is for sure. 

Things I took for granted other than people that I miss a whole lot : 

• Knowing my surroundings for hikes, drives, adventures, camping, swimming, etc. 
• Knowing the best restaurants, coffee shops, grocery stores, thrift stores, etc.
• Owning a 2nd vehicle
• Hosting get-togethers

Okay, enough complaining...we are settled and enjoying exploring our new city!

Little Loves 

Staying home and raising our girls is still the most difficult, yet rewarding "job" I've ever had.

Questions from a 2 and 3.5 year old :

Could you massage me for all the times?

Can you read me all the books?

Can you hold me for all the minutes?

Give me all the seconds to finish coloring.

**That last one is more of a matter of fact statement opposed to a question! Ha!

As I'm sweeping up popcorn crumbs Penny states, "me and Lil sure make a lot of messes."
Girrrlll, you don't even know [insert : sideways cry-laughing emoji]!

"Thinking of your child as behaving badly 

disposes you to think of punishment.

Thinking of your child as struggling to handle 

something difficult encourages you to help 

them through their distress."

Gottman Institute

A few thoughts floating around in my head regarding parenting:

Discipline is extremely important, NOT punishment. Two very different things.
Always follow through.

Be active, play & learn with them!

Quit comparing your child to your other children, their friends, or anyone for that matter.

Help set your child(ren) up for financial success. This doesn't mean giving them cash. 

Teach them basic principles : Save-Give-Spend.

It's okay for mommy's & daddy's to take time-outs, too!
Sometimes we need to set the timer to breathe and refocus.
Time-outs are meant to help you come back to the situation with a clearer head and calmer attitude.

Stay wild, my child!

I hope your curiosity always keeps you adventurous!

Wander often, wonder always!

Marriage

In a week we will celebrate 8 years of marriage.

"To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup, 

Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;

Whenever you’re right, shut up.”

-Ogden Nash

A few of my personal goals for our marriage:

Be the change I wish to see in our relationship.

Take responsibility.

Complain without blame.

Date my mate!

Set an amazing example for our girls, friends & family to aspire to. 

Some encouragement I want to share :

At our church they asked for prayer requests and later revealed that 80+% were along the lines of "for my marriage."
More than half of all marriages end in divorce. We have a problem. But we also have the solution : keep Jesus at the center.
Realize that by fighting for your marriage you put a target on your back.
The devil is here to steal, kill & destroy.
So what can you do? Pray for your spouse + for your marriage.

Realize that you have the power to change you - not your spouse.

I really mean it when I say, be the change you wish to see in your marriage!

I'm working on it, too!

I am currently reading the book, "What's It Like Being Married To Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions." 

I would encourage you to really ask yourself that question...what's it like being married to me?

Don't like the image that question conjures up? CHANGE YOURSELF!

Start new habits. 

Be curious about the person you share life with.

Find the FUN again. 

Fight for your marriage.

REBUILD & BLOOM!

Invest in your marriage!

I believe spending 15 minutes a day & at least an hour a week dating your spouse will positively impact and flourish your marriage! 

*If you can't afford a weekly babysitter for date night - child watch swap with other couples!*

I'll end with these open-ended questions I came up with to ask your spouse. 

You can each ask one or two every day/night as an easy way to connect for those 15 minutes I talked about earlier...

•How can your spouse be praying for you? 

•What is something you're looking forward to? 

•Is there any non-sexual touch your spouse can engage in more to help you feel loved?

•How do you feel about our sex life lately? 

•If you gave $10,000 to a charity, which one would you choose and why?

•If you have a bad day what are 2 things your spouse can do to make it better? 

•If you could spend one hour alone with someone (dead or alive) who would it be? What would you do? Why? 

•If you were a sound what would it be?

•Five things you want to buy but you've been putting them off?

•Would you like to be famous? If yes, what do you want to be famous for?

•What is something your spouse could do today or tomorrow to make your day better?

•What goals do you have for us?

•Is there any conversation you've had in the past week that you feel incomplete about? Need more clarity about? 

•What is your dream 3-day weekend?

•What are 3 states you would like to visit? Why?

•What are 3 things on your bucket list?

•If you could bring back one toy from your childhood what would it be and why? 

•What is something I can do to help you out this week? 

•What is something your spouse does or says that turns you on? 

•3 favorite places to be kissed on your body?

•You're writing a story...what is the main character's name? Occupation? Location?

•What is your favorite restaurant? 

•If you could have any job what would it be? 

•What is your dream car?

•What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? 

•When do you feel the most loved by your spouse? 

•What 3 countries would you like to visit? Why?

•If you could speak another language fluently what would it be? Why? 

•If you could be insanely talented in one thing, what would it be? 

•What was your favorite part of today? 

•Describe yourself with one word.

•Do you have any phobias? If so, what? 

•In high school what was your favorite subject? Least favorite? 

•What do you think about when you first wake up?

•What is your favorite dinner?

•What is something you're glad you'll never have to do again?

•If you owned the world's largest collection of something what would it be?

•In what ways do you communicate dissatisfaction with your spouse? 

•What are 3 things your spouse does that you couldn't live without? 

•What is your favorite thing about Spring(any season)? Why? 

•Pick one area of your marriage where you have a problem. Describe what is wrong and what each of you have done to solve it.

•What do you think God is doing in your marriage right now? 

•What do you think you need to do as a couple to get from where you are to where you need to be? 

•Is there anything your spouse did this past week that may have unknowingly hurt you? 

•What is something that never ends well?

•If you had to write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only 3 words? 

•In what ways have you attempted to communicate love and appreciation to your spouse today?

Closing

I truly hope this post gave you some encouragement!

As always, if there's anything I can be praying for you for, feel free to ask!

With love,

Nicole