Do You Worry People Speak Negatively Of You?

People talk.
It's what we do.
We're a bunch of story-tellers.
And our own personal story is in constant progress.
I'm not sure where you're at in the process of your life story, but I do know this...
You have a story surrounding your birth - your entrance into this world.
You have a story of your childhood - how, where, and by whom you were raised.
You have stories that are lighthearted.
You have stories that are funny - belly laughter funny, and slightly fetch a chuckle funny.
You have stories of deep hurt and sorrow.
The thing about all of these stories is that every single one of them has played a part in shaping who you are today.
Here you are, right now.
Many stories in your review and a vast windshield of possibilities lie ahead.
Maybe you've lived a life you're proud of.
Maybe you've lived a life with quite a few metaphorical speed bumps, detours, and even a car crash or two.
When you're done thinking about the life you've lived thus far, ask yourself 'what stories are being told about me today?'
If you're worried those stories are negative, the great thing about today is that you have the opportunity to redirect, to start on a new course if need be!
Here are a few ideas you can implement right now to ensure, from this day forward, you're at peace with what is said of you!

5 Ways To Turn Negative Stories About You Into Positive Ones

1. Right Your Wrongs
   Apologize.
   Admit you messed up.
   "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." Henry Ford
   Apologize.
   It doesn't mean they have to forgive you. Apologize anyway.
2. Forgive Others Freely
   "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." Confucius
   I'm not saying get over it. I'm saying work through it.
   "Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart." unknown
3. Be Teachable
   Allow mentors to speak truth into your life. Allow friends to keep you accountable. Often we learn more when teaching others, so make sure you're also mentoring.
   Remember that progress is a slow process full of subtle shifts and tiny tweaks.
   If you mess up in life (which you will) ask forgiveness, forgive yourself, and don't stay stuck in the yuck.
4. Love Well
   According to Gary Chapman there are five love languages : gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.
   According to the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
   And according to Mother Teresa "If you judge people you have no time to love them. Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
   Love people. Love them well.
5. Be Humble
   "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." C.S. LewisLive a life of serving others.
   A synonym of humility is meekness and the definition of meek is : kind, gentle, courteous, benevolent, unaggressive.

Give them stories to tell of how valuable you are to them!

Peace be with you,
Nicole

Sharing Your Story

Dear readers,

It's been said many times, many ways: it takes a village [to raise a child].
When is a child fully raised?
My answer : never. As long as we're living, we are never done learning and growing.


Lately I've been a bit more open on my social media about some of my struggles and the ways I'm trying to improve my character.
I've talked about depression, anxiety, mental health, fear, frustration, anger, flaws, etc.
I've had a few comments and messages saying, "thank you for being authentic."
Some people probably look at those comments and think, "if they only knew 'dut da dah' about Nicole, she's not sharing ALL of her truths, therefore; not being authentic."
On a recent blog post, I wrote :
"Sharing every nitty gritty detail of your life with everyone isn't what makes you authentic. 

Authentic = genuine = sincere = truthful = free from deceit.

If someone wants to ask a question I will do my best to respond with truth."
I withhold some bits for various reasons, but mainly, it boils down to my journey in loving others well.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Just because it's part of my story, and I'm open about most parts, doesn't mean everything is appropriate to share with everyone.
Sharing my story should not include sharing parts of other’s story if it sheds a bad light on them, and that is where my struggle lies.
Or, maybe, eventually everything will get shared, but that's something I'm relying on God to reveal in His time, for His glory.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:29‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭20:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Many have gone before me, many are struggling right along side me, and many will walk through similar situations in the future.
If a bit of my story helps someone else feel less alone then that's an accomplishment toward part of what I feel we're here for each other for : community.

Have you found your village to share your joys and trials with?

Do you feel sharing bits of your story helps you or others more?

Thank you for taking some of your precious moments to 

read some of what's been on my heart + mind.

Peace be with you.

Love well,

Nicole

Emotional Health + Conflict Resolution

If you don't have at least one person in your life who speaks the difficult truths, find someone!
I am incredibly thankful to have a counselor who isn't afraid to speak difficult wisdom(s) into me.
I have a lot of flaws and areas that need maturing, and having someone point these things out has allowed leaps and bounds of growth in my emotional health.

Eight months ago, when my counselor told me I was emotionally stunted, I had a tantrum/meltdown/emotionally flooded moment.
I thought, 'how dare she tell me, 28-year-old mother of two little girls, that I was lacking.
How am I supposed to raise two, emotionally strong, confident woman when I don't possess those qualities for them to mirror?'

My counselor was trying to point out that I lacked tools to properly navigate healthy conflict resolution.
My response to conflict was to blow up, get defensive, and allow my pride to rule.
In my mind, whoever yells louder, says meaner things, or shuts the other person up "wins" the conflict.
I know that most definitely is not a healthy method to resolution, but I didn't know how to quit the habit of reacting instead of responding.

Mindfulness comes to mind, and especially this article I read :
"Have you heard the expression "name it to tame it?" As far as the brain is concerned, once you name an emotion, you automatically reduce its intensity."
"Instead of judging our anger as right or wrong, good or bad, should or shouldn't, mindfulness helps us to simply accept the reality that this is what we are feeling. We don't have to like it, we just have to accept that it is what it is."
Kellie Edwards in this article shared on Motherly.

You might be asking, "so what ARE you doing to gain positive growth in your emotional health?"
I read any and all articles + books + images relating to positive emotional health, and try my hardest to put all the tools I'm learning to use.
My main source is The Gottman Institute.
I follow them on Facebook + Instagram.

I also keep it at the forefront of my mind that I am raising a 2.5-year-old and a 4-year-old that need to learn how to properly tend to their emotional health so this vicious cycle doesn't go on for generations to come. 

The initial struggle was in the logistics.

How do you teach something that you have little knowledge about?

The beauty has been in leading by example, but also learning + growing together.

The beauty has been when I fail to keep myself calm and my 4-year-old says, "do you want to start again, momma?" 

The beauty has been in practicing + maturing in new habits of grace, forgiveness, and self-control.

How do you deal with conflict resolution? 

Do you think you are emotionally stunted or emotionally strong?

Peace + Growth.

Love well,

Nicole

Pursuing Growth

Have you ever been to church camp?
If so, then you know that feeling of a spiritual high - that intense closeness to Jesus!
Camp ended, and you went home.
It was then that you realized friends and family back home didn't have the same enthusiasm as you.
Slowly [or maybe quickly] your feelings dissolved and life was back to "normal."

The same thing happens in other situations, too.

--You read a marriage article that fires you up! You are now determined to have the best marriage ever until your spouse comes home with a *cuss* attitude and makes a snarky comment.
--You listen to a sermon and feel the Holy Spirit moving tangibly through your body, giving you tingles and a lump in your throat. Afterward, you get in your car and someone cuts you off.
--You have a conversation with someone and feel all the wisdom and knowledge of everyone who has ever lived before you come flowing out of your mouth. Conversation over. You spend the next several days doing the exact opposite of taking your own advice.

What steps can you take to ensure that "mountain top moment" keep going as long as possible?

You have to consciously + intentionally CHOOSE to keep pursuing those "highs."

Most of the time you need an attitude alteration - a small shift to a more positive perspective.

You've heard Newton's first law of motion: 

"a body in motion stays in motion, and a body at rest stays at rest."

And so it is with your spirit.

You have to constantly be seeking positive growth in your spiritual life.

No one can do the work for you.

You must pursue Jesus on your own!

Read your Bible. Do devotionals. Listen to worship music. Attend church, and small group. 

Ask friends and/or family to join you in theological discussion. 

It is solely up to you to stay connected, to seek Jesus with your whole heart, to desire Him, and to live a thriving life keeping Jesus at the center.

I think it's also important to note that living on that mountain top ALL of the time is unrealistic.
In life, you will find valleys as well.
The thing to remember about those times is that growth can happen there, too!

"I will exalt you, Lord, for You rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.

O Lord my God, I cried to You for help, and You restored my health.

You brought me up from the grave, O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death."

Psalm 30:1-3

Peace + Growth. 

Love well,

Nicole

Marriage Advice

A couple weeks ago some new friends of ours got married!
I wrote them a letter and thought it may benefit other married couples, so I wanted to share it here...

When you entered into marriage, you chose to take the greatest road trip of your life!

In preparation for a road trip you typically take your car in for preventative maintenance, right?!
And so it is with marriage...make sure you are intentional with your maintenance!!

• Date your mate!
• at least 1 hour each week!
• Monthly meet!
• get together with another couple once a month
• accountability
• discuss uncomfortable/difficult topics or express the pure joys
• Jay + Katherine Wolf encouragement:
• Be prepared. Build your foundation on the Rock, because storms will come.
• Don't Wait To Celebrate!

"Marriage is spelled W-O-R-K." Levi Lusko

CONFLICT : 10% is due to difference of opinion & 90% is due to tone of voice & delivery.

*This next part is all principles from The Gottman Institute.*

Healthy Conflict Resolution : each of you seeing the other person's perspective and either agreeing to disagree or one of you shifting your perspective to match the others.

• Use A Gentle Start-Up
• I feel...about...I need...
• Example : I feel overwhelmed about always being the one to do the dishes, take out the trash & clean the toilet. I need us to come up with a schedule to delegate household chores more equally. 
• Describe Your Own Feelings and Needs
• complain without blame
• saying things like "I feel disrespected when you are doing/aren't doing,,," invites defensiveness to show up in a flash. 
• Take Responsibility
• Apologize.
• Fill Your Own Tank First
• I'm sure you've heard on an airplane "put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others." 
• In marriage you aren't going to be able to help your spouse if your own needs are't met.
• Meaning : schedule weekly guy/girl nights and/or alone time.

"Most marriages start in the wrong place - even Christian marriages - because they start with happiness as the goal. God did not create that as the goal; that was supposed to be a benefit." 

-Dr. Tony Evans

"To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it;

Whenever you're right, shut up."

-Ogden Nash

"If Satan gets an inch, he'll try to take a mile."

-Cindy Beall

The devil is here to steal, kill, and destroy.

Fighting FOR your marriage puts a big target on your backs.

The best solution is keeping Jesus at the center.

Take your gripes about your spouse to Jesus 1st and then to your spouse 2nd.

Pray often. Pray together.

God gifted you a wonderful helpmate.

Your spouse will never be perfect. Your spouse will never fill all your needs and desires - only God is capable of fulfilling all our voids.

Treat your spouse with delicate and tender care.

Do the 5 love languages test and affirm your love for your spouse in the language they receive best.

Imagine yourself a farmer.

You can't change the crop that will bloom, but you can tend to the soil surrounding your seed (spouse). 

Give your seed water (prayer), sunlight (positive affirmations), and the best soil (solid Christ-centered foundation). 

ENJOY EACH OTHER!

Praying God's blessings, wisdom, and love overflowing!

April Fools!

Okay, so more like 'July - Joke's On You!' 

While shuffling through the children's books at the thrift store, I came across a cute book.
The book is titled "April Fools" by Fernando Krahn.
It is a picture-only book.
I love books with no words because it goes along with the quote by Fred R. Barnard, "A picture is worth ten thousand words."
When I brought the book home and showed the girls they got the biggest kick out of it!

"Can we make a monster and scare dadda??" They excitedly schemed.
"Yes. Yes, we can!" I giggled right along with them.

We cut and taped and : TADA!

And now we wait for dadda to come home...

Mwauahahaha! 

Life Right Now

Hello!

Sharing every nitty gritty detail of your life with everyone isn't what makes you authentic. 

Authentic = genuine = sincere = truthful = free from deceit.

If someone wants to ask a question I will do my best to respond with truth.
Otherwise, I'm just going to share what you call "shallow" details
 to fill people in on recent thoughts & happenings of my life.
As stated in my bio, my hopes of sharing have remained the same...
"I hope that my readers can relate, laugh, or find inspiration."

Let's catch up...

Overview

Three weeks ago we loaded the Uhaul and hit the road for Salt Lake City, Utah.
Why SLC? Hubster got a great job offer we couldn't refuse.

Living in the same valley for 28 years, in small town Montana, brings a comfort I didn't know I'd miss so much!
I miss the people back home the most, that is for sure. 

Things I took for granted other than people that I miss a whole lot : 

• Knowing my surroundings for hikes, drives, adventures, camping, swimming, etc. 
• Knowing the best restaurants, coffee shops, grocery stores, thrift stores, etc.
• Owning a 2nd vehicle
• Hosting get-togethers

Okay, enough complaining...we are settled and enjoying exploring our new city!

Little Loves 

Staying home and raising our girls is still the most difficult, yet rewarding "job" I've ever had.

Questions from a 2 and 3.5 year old :

Could you massage me for all the times?

Can you read me all the books?

Can you hold me for all the minutes?

Give me all the seconds to finish coloring.

**That last one is more of a matter of fact statement opposed to a question! Ha!

As I'm sweeping up popcorn crumbs Penny states, "me and Lil sure make a lot of messes."
Girrrlll, you don't even know [insert : sideways cry-laughing emoji]!

"Thinking of your child as behaving badly 

disposes you to think of punishment.

Thinking of your child as struggling to handle 

something difficult encourages you to help 

them through their distress."

Gottman Institute

A few thoughts floating around in my head regarding parenting:

Discipline is extremely important, NOT punishment. Two very different things.
Always follow through.

Be active, play & learn with them!

Quit comparing your child to your other children, their friends, or anyone for that matter.

Help set your child(ren) up for financial success. This doesn't mean giving them cash. 

Teach them basic principles : Save-Give-Spend.

It's okay for mommy's & daddy's to take time-outs, too!
Sometimes we need to set the timer to breathe and refocus.
Time-outs are meant to help you come back to the situation with a clearer head and calmer attitude.

Stay wild, my child!

I hope your curiosity always keeps you adventurous!

Wander often, wonder always!

Marriage

In a week we will celebrate 8 years of marriage.

"To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup, 

Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;

Whenever you’re right, shut up.”

-Ogden Nash

A few of my personal goals for our marriage:

Be the change I wish to see in our relationship.

Take responsibility.

Complain without blame.

Date my mate!

Set an amazing example for our girls, friends & family to aspire to. 

Some encouragement I want to share :

At our church they asked for prayer requests and later revealed that 80+% were along the lines of "for my marriage."
More than half of all marriages end in divorce. We have a problem. But we also have the solution : keep Jesus at the center.
Realize that by fighting for your marriage you put a target on your back.
The devil is here to steal, kill & destroy.
So what can you do? Pray for your spouse + for your marriage.

Realize that you have the power to change you - not your spouse.

I really mean it when I say, be the change you wish to see in your marriage!

I'm working on it, too!

I am currently reading the book, "What's It Like Being Married To Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions." 

I would encourage you to really ask yourself that question...what's it like being married to me?

Don't like the image that question conjures up? CHANGE YOURSELF!

Start new habits. 

Be curious about the person you share life with.

Find the FUN again. 

Fight for your marriage.

REBUILD & BLOOM!

Invest in your marriage!

I believe spending 15 minutes a day & at least an hour a week dating your spouse will positively impact and flourish your marriage! 

*If you can't afford a weekly babysitter for date night - child watch swap with other couples!*

I'll end with these open-ended questions I came up with to ask your spouse. 

You can each ask one or two every day/night as an easy way to connect for those 15 minutes I talked about earlier...

•How can your spouse be praying for you? 

•What is something you're looking forward to? 

•Is there any non-sexual touch your spouse can engage in more to help you feel loved?

•How do you feel about our sex life lately? 

•If you gave $10,000 to a charity, which one would you choose and why?

•If you have a bad day what are 2 things your spouse can do to make it better? 

•If you could spend one hour alone with someone (dead or alive) who would it be? What would you do? Why? 

•If you were a sound what would it be?

•Five things you want to buy but you've been putting them off?

•Would you like to be famous? If yes, what do you want to be famous for?

•What is something your spouse could do today or tomorrow to make your day better?

•What goals do you have for us?

•Is there any conversation you've had in the past week that you feel incomplete about? Need more clarity about? 

•What is your dream 3-day weekend?

•What are 3 states you would like to visit? Why?

•What are 3 things on your bucket list?

•If you could bring back one toy from your childhood what would it be and why? 

•What is something I can do to help you out this week? 

•What is something your spouse does or says that turns you on? 

•3 favorite places to be kissed on your body?

•You're writing a story...what is the main character's name? Occupation? Location?

•What is your favorite restaurant? 

•If you could have any job what would it be? 

•What is your dream car?

•What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? 

•When do you feel the most loved by your spouse? 

•What 3 countries would you like to visit? Why?

•If you could speak another language fluently what would it be? Why? 

•If you could be insanely talented in one thing, what would it be? 

•What was your favorite part of today? 

•Describe yourself with one word.

•Do you have any phobias? If so, what? 

•In high school what was your favorite subject? Least favorite? 

•What do you think about when you first wake up?

•What is your favorite dinner?

•What is something you're glad you'll never have to do again?

•If you owned the world's largest collection of something what would it be?

•In what ways do you communicate dissatisfaction with your spouse? 

•What are 3 things your spouse does that you couldn't live without? 

•What is your favorite thing about Spring(any season)? Why? 

•Pick one area of your marriage where you have a problem. Describe what is wrong and what each of you have done to solve it.

•What do you think God is doing in your marriage right now? 

•What do you think you need to do as a couple to get from where you are to where you need to be? 

•Is there anything your spouse did this past week that may have unknowingly hurt you? 

•What is something that never ends well?

•If you had to write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only 3 words? 

•In what ways have you attempted to communicate love and appreciation to your spouse today?

Closing

I truly hope this post gave you some encouragement!

As always, if there's anything I can be praying for you for, feel free to ask!

With love,

Nicole