Got Shame? Get Rid Of It!

The definition of shame (according to Merriam-Webster) is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
Have you ever done something shameful?
Have you ever felt ashamed?
Shame makes us do some pretty whacky stuff!
Concealing things you're ashamed of can cause you to avoid authentic relationship.
What do I mean by that?
Maybe you're sick of lying about this shameful thing, so you avoid being around others so they can't ask a question that would prompt you to lie more.
Maybe you don't want to get too close to anyone because they might inquire about something that prompts a memory of what you did.
Maybe you are nervous someone will make a judgmental comment about the people who have done the same shameful thing as you and you feel defensive.

Friend, it's time to live in the freedom of truth!
Admit it, bring it to the light, not to bring shame but to bring change!
Sometimes you need to stop living in past tense.
Accept that what happened, happened.
Take responsibility.
Humble yourself. Set pride aside.
Share with whomever it affects directly and personally.
There is no need to share publicly unless you feel called to.
Apologize to whomever you may need to.
Admitting weakness gives the opportunity for more strength.

Let me give you a visual.
You are walking through the airport and you have 5 bags you're lugging by yourself.
Someone notices your struggle and offers you a cart to put the bags on.
What do you do? Do you accept the offer?
If you're not stubborn, the answer is yes!
You accept the gift with gratitude and feel the freedom from all that heavy weight.
It's the same with emotional baggage.
When you're carrying it all by yourself, you are too weak.
So friend, I'm telling you, UNLOAD!
Share your shame.
I'm not saying it will make that baggage disappear.
It's still with you, but instead of carrying it, you are pushing it around.
It no longer bogs you down, and you have a more control over it instead of it controlling you.
Sometimes revealing shame brings consequences.
If your shame is directly related to something you did to someone else, then there may be a long road of walking through that.
Here's my encouragement to you that the consequences are worth the freedom you'll ultimately feel...
After a wildfire comes new growth.
You might be saying, you have no idea how awful the thing is that I did that brings shame.
You have no idea the repercussions that would come; I could lose my job/spouse/friends/family/etc.
Well friends, wildfires CAN be extremely devastating.
But even the most catastrophic fire eventually burns out.
You'll get to a point where the flames die down.
You don't have to stay stuck in that yuck.
You can choose to start fresh.
Bringing your shame out of the shadows started the pruning process.
Now it's time to blossom new and better parts of you.


Unload your shame.
Quit holding that toxic yuck in!
It's time...

Prune + Blossom,
Nicole

5 Simple Ways To Improve Your Parenting

Hello fellow parents!

I will never claim to have all the answers or know what works best for you and your specific circumstance.
But what I hope to do is encourage you!
Encourage you to be a little goofier today than you were yesterday.
Encourage you to be a little more grace-giving each day.
Encourage you to be a little more mindful of the hearts + minds you've been given the gift of raising.

Five Things To Remember In Order To Improve Your Parenting

1. The Big Picture
You are never done parenting.
You are tasked with raising up the next generation.
You are leaving a legacy.
Let's pause there. What a heavy obligation we have.
Let's lighten the load. LAUGH. Right now. Out loud.
I don't care if you're in an awkward spot, what are you doing reading a blog during work hours anyway? ;)
Now laugh at how goofy that forced laugh was!
Personally, I feel we all take ourselves a little too seriously.
We mess up once and think we've scarred our kids forever.
We get these big ideas that when we fail, we've failed indefinitely.
[I can't mention failings without saying, I am not encouraging abuse (physical, sexual, mental, or verbal) or neglect.
Those aren't failings we can just brush off.
If you have failed in the aforementioned ways, get professional help!
There is no shame in seeking the help you need.]
What I am talking about is muttering a curse word under your breath at the fact your 2.5 year old managed to spill that *cussing* bowl of soggy cereal and milk again.
Failings of that nature. Ya know?
The things they'll tell their future spouse about that 'WE WILL NEVER DO AS PARENTS.'
The things they'll call you sobbing about when they have kids of their own.

2. Be A Problem Solver
This world needs problem solvers.
There are so many problems both big and small and they all need solutions.
I've never read Love and Logic, but I have read a quote of theirs and BOOYAH, problem solvers unite! "When children cause problems, parents hand these problems back in loving ways. Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows them to learn from the consequences of their choices."
Give them two solutions, here's an example : little love, you need to pick up your room. You can either pick up your room right now and have dessert after dinner. Or you can eat dinner and then pick up your room while the rest of the family is eating dessert without you.
Or is that bribing? Maybe try bribing first, and if that doesn't work, then give them two solutions to choose from.
Kidding. Only a little bit.
But seriously, if you give them two solutions to their problem when it comes to solving (dare I say BIGGER - because to littles all their problems are already BIG) problems later in life you're going to have someone who understands there is always more than one solution, and there are real consequences to choosing negatively.

3. Emotional Intelligence
Talk about feelings. Start with happy, sad, mad.
Express your feelings as often as you can.
Use this phrase as a jumping off point that I learned from The Gottman Institute :
I feel...about...I need.
Examples : I feel happy when the house is clean. I need you to pick up toys you're not playing with.
I feel sad about not being listened to. I need you to repeat what I say so I know you hear what I'm saying.
I feel mad about my vase being broken. I need to take a few deep breaths before we continue our conversation.
Use it on your spouse too!
That gentle start up, expressing your own feelings, and not pointing blame works on even the toughest defensive person [me, I'm talking about me]!
Use it on your coworkers! Use it on friends!
We need more people who are willing to talk about feelings!!

4. Take Responsibility 
A sincere apology seems to be like a unicorn in this day and age.
A mystical, magical thing that isn't real.
We need more people who admit to their wrongdoings.
We all mess up. It's inevitable.
What we don't all do is apologize. But we should.
Here's an outline to use in your own apologies.
I won't give specific answers, because it needs to be genuine, from YOUR heart.
I am sorry for _______. That was wrong because _____. In the future I will _____. Will you forgive me?

5. You Are THE Example
Be the father/mother you hope they are one day.
You are possibly (most likely) parenting a future parent.
What do you want them to remember?
What do you want them to mimic?
I think most of us have the goal of raising well-rounded, decent human beings who make society a bit more bearable.
In order to raise those people, we need to work on ourselves and the parents we are.
Deciding to become a better mom/dad, doesn't mean it's going to happen overnight.
Start small.
If you yell [like myself] when you've 'had it up to here' then maybe your solution is to start with catching yourself and apologizing immediately. Catching yourself and saying, "can I start over?" Catching yourself as you're about to open your mouth and taking in a deep breath or WHISPERING!
Yes, I put whispering in all caps because whisper yelling is most of the time just as effective as loud, ear-piercing, make you both want to cry yelling.
You're welcome for the tips.
You're welcome for the encouragement.
What can I say except you're welcome?
**Any parents catch that line from Moana?
Fist pump if you did!
Seriously, quit taking yourself so seriously!**

Give yourself more grace!

Love well,
Nicole

Do You Worry People Speak Negatively Of You?

People talk.
It's what we do.
We're a bunch of story-tellers.
And our own personal story is in constant progress.
I'm not sure where you're at in the process of your life story, but I do know this...
You have a story surrounding your birth - your entrance into this world.
You have a story of your childhood - how, where, and by whom you were raised.
You have stories that are lighthearted.
You have stories that are funny - belly laughter funny, and slightly fetch a chuckle funny.
You have stories of deep hurt and sorrow.
The thing about all of these stories is that every single one of them has played a part in shaping who you are today.
Here you are, right now.
Many stories in your review and a vast windshield of possibilities lie ahead.
Maybe you've lived a life you're proud of.
Maybe you've lived a life with quite a few metaphorical speed bumps, detours, and even a car crash or two.
When you're done thinking about the life you've lived thus far, ask yourself 'what stories are being told about me today?'
If you're worried those stories are negative, the great thing about today is that you have the opportunity to redirect, to start on a new course if need be!
Here are a few ideas you can implement right now to ensure, from this day forward, you're at peace with what is said of you!

5 Ways To Turn Negative Stories About You Into Positive Ones

1. Right Your Wrongs
   Apologize.
   Admit you messed up.
   "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." Henry Ford
   Apologize.
   It doesn't mean they have to forgive you. Apologize anyway.
2. Forgive Others Freely
   "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." Confucius
   I'm not saying get over it. I'm saying work through it.
   "Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart." unknown
3. Be Teachable
   Allow mentors to speak truth into your life. Allow friends to keep you accountable. Often we learn more when teaching others, so make sure you're also mentoring.
   Remember that progress is a slow process full of subtle shifts and tiny tweaks.
   If you mess up in life (which you will) ask forgiveness, forgive yourself, and don't stay stuck in the yuck.
4. Love Well
   According to Gary Chapman there are five love languages : gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.
   According to the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
   And according to Mother Teresa "If you judge people you have no time to love them. Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
   Love people. Love them well.
5. Be Humble
   "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." C.S. LewisLive a life of serving others.
   A synonym of humility is meekness and the definition of meek is : kind, gentle, courteous, benevolent, unaggressive.

Give them stories to tell of how valuable you are to them!

Peace be with you,
Nicole

Sharing Your Story

Dear readers,

It's been said many times, many ways: it takes a village [to raise a child].
When is a child fully raised?
My answer : never. As long as we're living, we are never done learning and growing.


Lately I've been a bit more open on my social media about some of my struggles and the ways I'm trying to improve my character.
I've talked about depression, anxiety, mental health, fear, frustration, anger, flaws, etc.
I've had a few comments and messages saying, "thank you for being authentic."
Some people probably look at those comments and think, "if they only knew 'dut da dah' about Nicole, she's not sharing ALL of her truths, therefore; not being authentic."
On a recent blog post, I wrote :
"Sharing every nitty gritty detail of your life with everyone isn't what makes you authentic. 

Authentic = genuine = sincere = truthful = free from deceit.

If someone wants to ask a question I will do my best to respond with truth."
I withhold some bits for various reasons, but mainly, it boils down to my journey in loving others well.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Just because it's part of my story, and I'm open about most parts, doesn't mean everything is appropriate to share with everyone.
Sharing my story should not include sharing parts of other’s story if it sheds a bad light on them, and that is where my struggle lies.
Or, maybe, eventually everything will get shared, but that's something I'm relying on God to reveal in His time, for His glory.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:29‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭20:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Many have gone before me, many are struggling right along side me, and many will walk through similar situations in the future.
If a bit of my story helps someone else feel less alone then that's an accomplishment toward part of what I feel we're here for each other for : community.

Have you found your village to share your joys and trials with?

Do you feel sharing bits of your story helps you or others more?

Thank you for taking some of your precious moments to 

read some of what's been on my heart + mind.

Peace be with you.

Love well,

Nicole

Emotional Health + Conflict Resolution

If you don't have at least one person in your life who speaks the difficult truths, find someone!
I am incredibly thankful to have a counselor who isn't afraid to speak difficult wisdom(s) into me.
I have a lot of flaws and areas that need maturing, and having someone point these things out has allowed leaps and bounds of growth in my emotional health.

Eight months ago, when my counselor told me I was emotionally stunted, I had a tantrum/meltdown/emotionally flooded moment.
I thought, 'how dare she tell me, 28-year-old mother of two little girls, that I was lacking.
How am I supposed to raise two, emotionally strong, confident woman when I don't possess those qualities for them to mirror?'

My counselor was trying to point out that I lacked tools to properly navigate healthy conflict resolution.
My response to conflict was to blow up, get defensive, and allow my pride to rule.
In my mind, whoever yells louder, says meaner things, or shuts the other person up "wins" the conflict.
I know that most definitely is not a healthy method to resolution, but I didn't know how to quit the habit of reacting instead of responding.

Mindfulness comes to mind, and especially this article I read :
"Have you heard the expression "name it to tame it?" As far as the brain is concerned, once you name an emotion, you automatically reduce its intensity."
"Instead of judging our anger as right or wrong, good or bad, should or shouldn't, mindfulness helps us to simply accept the reality that this is what we are feeling. We don't have to like it, we just have to accept that it is what it is."
Kellie Edwards in this article shared on Motherly.

You might be asking, "so what ARE you doing to gain positive growth in your emotional health?"
I read any and all articles + books + images relating to positive emotional health, and try my hardest to put all the tools I'm learning to use.
My main source is The Gottman Institute.
I follow them on Facebook + Instagram.

I also keep it at the forefront of my mind that I am raising a 2.5-year-old and a 4-year-old that need to learn how to properly tend to their emotional health so this vicious cycle doesn't go on for generations to come. 

The initial struggle was in the logistics.

How do you teach something that you have little knowledge about?

The beauty has been in leading by example, but also learning + growing together.

The beauty has been when I fail to keep myself calm and my 4-year-old says, "do you want to start again, momma?" 

The beauty has been in practicing + maturing in new habits of grace, forgiveness, and self-control.

How do you deal with conflict resolution? 

Do you think you are emotionally stunted or emotionally strong?

Peace + Growth.

Love well,

Nicole

Pursuing Growth

Have you ever been to church camp?
If so, then you know that feeling of a spiritual high - that intense closeness to Jesus!
Camp ended, and you went home.
It was then that you realized friends and family back home didn't have the same enthusiasm as you.
Slowly [or maybe quickly] your feelings dissolved and life was back to "normal."

The same thing happens in other situations, too.

--You read a marriage article that fires you up! You are now determined to have the best marriage ever until your spouse comes home with a *cuss* attitude and makes a snarky comment.
--You listen to a sermon and feel the Holy Spirit moving tangibly through your body, giving you tingles and a lump in your throat. Afterward, you get in your car and someone cuts you off.
--You have a conversation with someone and feel all the wisdom and knowledge of everyone who has ever lived before you come flowing out of your mouth. Conversation over. You spend the next several days doing the exact opposite of taking your own advice.

What steps can you take to ensure that "mountain top moment" keep going as long as possible?

You have to consciously + intentionally CHOOSE to keep pursuing those "highs."

Most of the time you need an attitude alteration - a small shift to a more positive perspective.

You've heard Newton's first law of motion: 

"a body in motion stays in motion, and a body at rest stays at rest."

And so it is with your spirit.

You have to constantly be seeking positive growth in your spiritual life.

No one can do the work for you.

You must pursue Jesus on your own!

Read your Bible. Do devotionals. Listen to worship music. Attend church, and small group. 

Ask friends and/or family to join you in theological discussion. 

It is solely up to you to stay connected, to seek Jesus with your whole heart, to desire Him, and to live a thriving life keeping Jesus at the center.

I think it's also important to note that living on that mountain top ALL of the time is unrealistic.
In life, you will find valleys as well.
The thing to remember about those times is that growth can happen there, too!

"I will exalt you, Lord, for You rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.

O Lord my God, I cried to You for help, and You restored my health.

You brought me up from the grave, O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death."

Psalm 30:1-3

Peace + Growth. 

Love well,

Nicole

Marriage Advice

A couple weeks ago some new friends of ours got married!
I wrote them a letter and thought it may benefit other married couples, so I wanted to share it here...

When you entered into marriage, you chose to take the greatest road trip of your life!

In preparation for a road trip you typically take your car in for preventative maintenance, right?!
And so it is with marriage...make sure you are intentional with your maintenance!!

• Date your mate!
• at least 1 hour each week!
• Monthly meet!
• get together with another couple once a month
• accountability
• discuss uncomfortable/difficult topics or express the pure joys
• Jay + Katherine Wolf encouragement:
• Be prepared. Build your foundation on the Rock, because storms will come.
• Don't Wait To Celebrate!

"Marriage is spelled W-O-R-K." Levi Lusko

CONFLICT : 10% is due to difference of opinion & 90% is due to tone of voice & delivery.

*This next part is all principles from The Gottman Institute.*

Healthy Conflict Resolution : each of you seeing the other person's perspective and either agreeing to disagree or one of you shifting your perspective to match the others.

• Use A Gentle Start-Up
• I feel...about...I need...
• Example : I feel overwhelmed about always being the one to do the dishes, take out the trash & clean the toilet. I need us to come up with a schedule to delegate household chores more equally. 
• Describe Your Own Feelings and Needs
• complain without blame
• saying things like "I feel disrespected when you are doing/aren't doing,,," invites defensiveness to show up in a flash. 
• Take Responsibility
• Apologize.
• Fill Your Own Tank First
• I'm sure you've heard on an airplane "put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others." 
• In marriage you aren't going to be able to help your spouse if your own needs are't met.
• Meaning : schedule weekly guy/girl nights and/or alone time.

"Most marriages start in the wrong place - even Christian marriages - because they start with happiness as the goal. God did not create that as the goal; that was supposed to be a benefit." 

-Dr. Tony Evans

"To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it;

Whenever you're right, shut up."

-Ogden Nash

"If Satan gets an inch, he'll try to take a mile."

-Cindy Beall

The devil is here to steal, kill, and destroy.

Fighting FOR your marriage puts a big target on your backs.

The best solution is keeping Jesus at the center.

Take your gripes about your spouse to Jesus 1st and then to your spouse 2nd.

Pray often. Pray together.

God gifted you a wonderful helpmate.

Your spouse will never be perfect. Your spouse will never fill all your needs and desires - only God is capable of fulfilling all our voids.

Treat your spouse with delicate and tender care.

Do the 5 love languages test and affirm your love for your spouse in the language they receive best.

Imagine yourself a farmer.

You can't change the crop that will bloom, but you can tend to the soil surrounding your seed (spouse). 

Give your seed water (prayer), sunlight (positive affirmations), and the best soil (solid Christ-centered foundation). 

ENJOY EACH OTHER!

Praying God's blessings, wisdom, and love overflowing!