Creating Quality Family Connections

No one sets out with a plan to neglect building family relationships. Our lives just seem to fill up with all sorts of to-do's and distractions. Sometimes, it even happens to the most intentional of us. 

It is so important to form deep bonds that help us feel safe and secure, but also we need to feel wanted. We need to feel like we're awesome to be around! Sometimes we need to remember to get out of our comfortable routines, mix it up a little, and have some good old-fashion fun together! 

So, what do you say, can you make some time to participate in a connection builder?

FAMILY NIGHT

This is a time for everyone who lives in the home to come together, either around the table or on the couch, and enjoy some quality time together. You can gather weekly or monthly. Play board games or watch a movie. Eat pizza, popcorn, candy, or allow everyone to pick their favorite snack. This should be such a special treat of a night that everyone looks forward to it! The key here is tradition, consistency, and keeping it purely fun!

OUR MOTTO
Is there a phrase or question or affirmation you want to incorporate into your family? Here are a few examples to use, or they might help you create your own. 

"In our family we build each other up. There are plenty of people who will try to tear us down."

"How were you kind today?"
"In our family we not only see the good, but we also do good."
"Whatever we do, we do it to the best of our ability."

When our girls were 2 and 4 we started saying, "kind words, happy heart, gentle hands" to remind us that our words and actions affect others. It’s something we still say to this day. 

PASS THE FAVOR TRINKET

Choose a little item. It can be a key, a rock, a figurine. Start by giving it to the oldest person. They can now ask any other family member to do a favor for them. If the family member does the favor, they get possession of the trinket and can ask a favor of anyone. The intent is learning how great it feels to help others. 

HUG

Hugs have healing power! Hugging lowers blood pressure, heart rate, anxiety, and the stress hormone cortisol. When we hug for more than 8 seconds our body releases oxytocin, which is a hormone that increases bonding and a sense of belonging. Hug it out and physically feel that connection building!

DO UNTO OTHERS

The point is to build self-esteem by saying or doing things that portray to another member of the family "you're special and appreciated."

Everyone chooses someone that for one week they will focus on. It doesn't have to be daily, but during that week you can leave a note on their pillow, buy them their favorite snack or 'that thing' they mentioned they wanted, fold/put away their laundry, draw or paint something for them. Get thoughtful. How can you uniquely show that person they are loved?

READERS ARE LEADERS

There are so many amazing books to read together as a family! 

Simply choose one reader, or take turns reading paragraphs, or chapters.
If you want to get creative and bring the book to life :

Make food mentioned in it. 
Dress up as your favorite character.

Art projects galore.

Buy a toy of a character. 

Act it out.

VISION BOARD

You'll need: 

poster board

markers
magazines/newspapers
scissors

Fill the poster board with words that describe your family, places you love to visit or hope to visit, food you enjoy, things that make you happy, etc. 

ONE-ON-ONE DATES

At least monthly every member of the family should have one-on-one time with each other. 

DINNER HELPER

They get to pick the meal. Set the table. Help make the food they chose. Whomever didn't make the meal cleans up!

YEARLY INVENTORY

Verbalize everything you are thankful for from the past year. 
This can be things you've seen, learned, done, begun, finished, decided, experienced.
And then share what you are looking forward to in the coming year.
 

The people you love are the most important relationships throughout your entire life.

My best advice to you is to try your absolute hardest to pursue connection over and over again with all those you love. 

Love well,

Nicole

5 Simple Ways To Improve Your Parenting

Hello fellow parents!

I will never claim to have all the answers or know what works best for you and your specific circumstance.
But what I hope to do is encourage you!
Encourage you to be a little goofier today than you were yesterday.
Encourage you to be a little more grace-giving each day.
Encourage you to be a little more mindful of the hearts + minds you've been given the gift of raising.

Five Things To Remember In Order To Improve Your Parenting

1. The Big Picture
You are never done parenting.
You are tasked with raising up the next generation.
You are leaving a legacy.
Let's pause there. What a heavy obligation we have.
Let's lighten the load. LAUGH. Right now. Out loud.
I don't care if you're in an awkward spot, what are you doing reading a blog during work hours anyway? ;)
Now laugh at how goofy that forced laugh was!
Personally, I feel we all take ourselves a little too seriously.
We mess up once and think we've scarred our kids forever.
We get these big ideas that when we fail, we've failed indefinitely.
[I can't mention failings without saying, I am not encouraging abuse (physical, sexual, mental, or verbal) or neglect.
Those aren't failings we can just brush off.
If you have failed in the aforementioned ways, get professional help!
There is no shame in seeking the help you need.]
What I am talking about is muttering a curse word under your breath at the fact your 2.5 year old managed to spill that *cussing* bowl of soggy cereal and milk again.
Failings of that nature. Ya know?
The things they'll tell their future spouse about that 'WE WILL NEVER DO AS PARENTS.'
The things they'll call you sobbing about when they have kids of their own.

2. Be A Problem Solver
This world needs problem solvers.
There are so many problems both big and small and they all need solutions.
I've never read Love and Logic, but I have read a quote of theirs and BOOYAH, problem solvers unite! "When children cause problems, parents hand these problems back in loving ways. Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows them to learn from the consequences of their choices."
Give them two solutions, here's an example : little love, you need to pick up your room. You can either pick up your room right now and have dessert after dinner. Or you can eat dinner and then pick up your room while the rest of the family is eating dessert without you.
Or is that bribing? Maybe try bribing first, and if that doesn't work, then give them two solutions to choose from.
Kidding. Only a little bit.
But seriously, if you give them two solutions to their problem when it comes to solving (dare I say BIGGER - because to littles all their problems are already BIG) problems later in life you're going to have someone who understands there is always more than one solution, and there are real consequences to choosing negatively.

3. Emotional Intelligence
Talk about feelings. Start with happy, sad, mad.
Express your feelings as often as you can.
Use this phrase as a jumping off point that I learned from The Gottman Institute :
I feel...about...I need.
Examples : I feel happy when the house is clean. I need you to pick up toys you're not playing with.
I feel sad about not being listened to. I need you to repeat what I say so I know you hear what I'm saying.
I feel mad about my vase being broken. I need to take a few deep breaths before we continue our conversation.
Use it on your spouse too!
That gentle start up, expressing your own feelings, and not pointing blame works on even the toughest defensive person [me, I'm talking about me]!
Use it on your coworkers! Use it on friends!
We need more people who are willing to talk about feelings!!

4. Take Responsibility 
A sincere apology seems to be like a unicorn in this day and age.
A mystical, magical thing that isn't real.
We need more people who admit to their wrongdoings.
We all mess up. It's inevitable.
What we don't all do is apologize. But we should.
Here's an outline to use in your own apologies.
I won't give specific answers, because it needs to be genuine, from YOUR heart.
I am sorry for _______. That was wrong because _____. In the future I will _____. Will you forgive me?

5. You Are THE Example
Be the father/mother you hope they are one day.
You are possibly (most likely) parenting a future parent.
What do you want them to remember?
What do you want them to mimic?
I think most of us have the goal of raising well-rounded, decent human beings who make society a bit more bearable.
In order to raise those people, we need to work on ourselves and the parents we are.
Deciding to become a better mom/dad, doesn't mean it's going to happen overnight.
Start small.
If you yell [like myself] when you've 'had it up to here' then maybe your solution is to start with catching yourself and apologizing immediately. Catching yourself and saying, "can I start over?" Catching yourself as you're about to open your mouth and taking in a deep breath or WHISPERING!
Yes, I put whispering in all caps because whisper yelling is most of the time just as effective as loud, ear-piercing, make you both want to cry yelling.
You're welcome for the tips.
You're welcome for the encouragement.
What can I say except you're welcome?
**Any parents catch that line from Moana?
Fist pump if you did!
Seriously, quit taking yourself so seriously!**

Give yourself more grace!

Love well,
Nicole

Being A Parent

Oh, parents! 

May you never forget the moment your child arrived.

When your child is new to you there is this connection that is indescribable! 

You're in "the love bubble."

Penelope Joy

Lillian August

They are perfect. 
They smell so stinking delicious you really do just want to eat them right up! 

Years go on and things change :
Just like with any relationship the excitement, newness, thrill-of-it-all dissipates.

You find yourself realizing :

The infatuation has worn off...with my kid(s)!

But the thing about being a parent : there is no "breaking up." 

You're in it for the long-haul. 

So, what does this really mean?!

You have to start putting in serious work.
You have to choose to love them through it all. 
You have to start being intentional. 

Take a few deep breaths. 

Now, have a dance party! 

Allow your kids to be kids.

Let them get dirty.

Read them their favorite book over & over.

Get on their level & explore the magic in everything. 

Give them more hugs. 

Did you know kids give THE BEST hugs?!

Never forget the joy. 
Don't give up.
Love them unconditionally.
Love them well. 

Wishing you all the best in your parenting journey!  

20 Things I Want You To Know & Remember

Dear little love,

I promise to always love you. 

I promise to always welcome you with an open heart & arms. 

I am beyond blessed that God gifted me with you.

I am here to help guide you in creating a wonderful life...

20 things I want you to know & remember. 

1. Love God. Above all else, pursue relationship with Jesus. Every day should start with, "Hello, Jesus!" and end with "Goodnight, God!" Pray without ceasing.
2. Go on adventures; no matter how big or small. 
3. Be a great friend.
4. Create. Play. Draw. Paint. 
5. Read something every day.
6. Get outside as much as possible. Breathe in the fresh air. Explore the outdoors. 
Skip. Jump. Run. Climb. 
7. Ooze positivity. You & those around you will benefit greatly.  
8. Accept others for who they are. 
9. Exude the fruit of The Spirit : love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control.
10. Keep it simple. 
11. Be confident in who you are.
12. Maintain your health : body, mind & spirit.
13. Love well. Love God, family, friends, acquaintances & strangers. 
14. Laugh often.
15. Enjoy your life. Enjoy the good, bad, ugly & beautiful. 
16. Sometimes all it takes is remembering to "just breathe." 
17. Admit when you're wrong & always apologize if you need to. 
18. Never lose who you are by trying to impress someone else. 
19. Make family a priority.  
20. You are enough. Quit comparing. You were created because this world needed a YOU! We need your stories, passions, experiences, failures & love. This world was meant to exist with you & everything you have to offer. So just be YOU! 

I'll love you forever,

momma

Let me introduce myself...again!

Zach, Nicole, Penelope [3], Lillian [1.5]

Hello,

     I am Nicole!

Welcome to a peek inside this Dowler house!

We are recent first-time home buyers who live in northwest Montana.

We try to get out as often as we can to explore the beauty our state has to offer.

As a stay-at-home mom my days are filled with beautiful chaos.

I could not get through this life without the ever-present hand of God.

The biggest aspects of our lives summed up in five words ::

Jesus. Family. Friends. Food. Adventure.

This blog is a place for me to get it all out : the good, the bad, the beautiful & the ugly.

Feel free to ask me anything!

Enjoy!

Nicole

Copycats

Oh friends,
         I have a confession.

This past week I overheard Penelope, age 3, pretending to be a momma.
There was a lot of negativity & yelling. 
Then as she was pretending to get Lilly ready for bed she got really sweet -- cuddly, happy tone of voice, singing songs, kisses, prayers. 

What did I learn from this? 

I appear happiest when it's time for my girls to go to sleep 

and they're mirroring my ugly! 

How does that make me feel?

Like a completely awful mom!

I have a hard time giving myself grace because once I mess up I feel like I've scarred them for life. 

I have a lot of emotional damage from my childhood.
I grew up wanting kids because ::
I was going to parent so much better.
I was going to be the best.
Then after a few years of marriage I realized how much work goes into a healthy relationship & quickly didn't want children anymore ::
I didn't want to fail.
I didn't want to let them down.

Zach & I had a fight one day.
I said, "I don't ever want kids."
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
I prayed & prayed that it was a boy.
Boys seem to forgive easier - they don't seem to hold grudges as long.
A girl seemed impossible.
Penelope Joy was born.
A short 9 months later I was pregnant again.
"Please God, I am BEGGING you...I cannot ruin two girls lives!"
Lillian August was born.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. 

"Plans to prosper you & not to harm you. 

Plans for a hope & future." 

Jeremiah 29:11

I realize God knew what He was doing when he blessed me with my two little loves.

Being a stay-at-home mom is my full-time job. 

This past week I failed miserably. 

Had I been at a "real" job they would have fired me.

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything you do. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. Serve them sincerely because of your reverent fear of the Lord. Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you are working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, 

and that the Master you are serving is Christ.

Colossians 3:22-24

So, what's the solution?! 

I need to be the mother I hope they become one day.

I need to continue to work on me! 

Constantly. 

Constantly cleansing my heart. 

Constantly being intentional with my time & genuine joy of getting to mother my littles. 

So dear friends I'll leave you with this ::

Let's find the power in optimism! 
Let's be the best we can be! 
Let's fight our negative urges!
Let's start new positive habits! 

Wishing you all the best in your parenting!

Enjoy!

Nicole

Learning a thing or two...

6:30am      

I'm awoken by the shrieks of Lillian. 

I grab her & head back to bed.

Only I'm not going to try and sleep anymore.

I'm getting on my phone to browse Instagram & then Facebook.

Jealousy. Insecurity. Bitterness. 

Just a few nasty feelings that like to creep inside my heart & mind while scrolling.

A peek into my thoughts...
Here we are in-between houses and everyone is posting pictures of their perfectly decorated living room where 10 friends are gathered around a gourmet spread of yummy treats.
1. Where was my invite?
2. Darn you for having a home!
3. I like food. 
**Seriously?! What the HECK is wrong with you Nicole!?!**

But here's the thing...I know I'm not alone in thinking this way!

In this day and age it is easier than ever to compare yourself to other's.
Social media has created an instant way to feel insecure, jealous, and bitter about anything and everything you struggle with.

"Comparison is the thief of joy!" Theodore Roosevelt

Well ain't that the truth, Theo - thanks for those wise words!

"The bad news is - time flies!

The good news is - you're the pilot!"

Michael Althsuler

The other day I decided it's time I start to count my blessings!
Life is way too short to be jealous of others.
I need to get up off my bum & create the happy life I'm so bitter about everyone else having.
I need a heart check.
I need to alter my mindset.
I need to focus on LOVE & JOY!

Love yourself!

Love your friends & family!

Love a stranger!

Love doing what you do!

Love your life!

Be truly happy for other's & encourage them!

I'VE GOT THE JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY - DOWN IN MY HEART!

You were not called to live someone else's life. 

You were called to live your life. 

NOW is the best time to start being the best you!

Love, 

    Nicole

Marriage Is What You Make It

Marriage is seriously all about what YOU put into it.

You can't change your spouse.

But you can change your attitude.

Sometimes you won't like each other, but always chose to love through it.

If you both give 100% that's when things jive!

Pray for your spouse daily. 

Pray for your marriage.

Protect your marriage.

Don't speak ill of your spouse to anyone! 

Find out your spouse's love language. 

It may change constantly.

Loving your spouse well makes a huge positive difference.

You should be able to express an opinion without an argument ensuing.

Not everything has to turn into an epic battle!

Fight FOR each other & not against each other!

In my short 7 years of married life I've noticed seasons in our marriage.

Really good & really not good times.

I can almost always correlate it with what I'm putting IN.

Be intentional. Mix it up.

Love. Love well. Love always.

4 Ways To Be "Wild" When Married and/or A Parent

Dearest friends, 

How are you? Truly? 

I am coming out of a season of depression. But it was also a season of growing & learning.

And a season of figuring out what's most important to me.

I've been realizing how many different ways life can go. 

As a wife & mom I pride myself in being the source of stability. 

I am the constant. I am who they can always count on.  

I get the mundane daily tasks done. 

But I also don't want to get so caught up in routine that life looses it's fun-factor! 

I just read a quote :: wild wife = wild life.

So here I have written :

Four Ways To Be "Wild" When Married and/or A Parent

1. YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE SELFISH!

*This is the toughest one for me because I constantly think 

"how will this affect my husband/daughters?"*

Get to know yourself!
What makes you happy?
Take time to meet a friend for coffee/wine/whatever floats your boat.
Go for a drive or run errands - all alone!
Then you can come back refreshed - even if it was just a five minute drive to the gas station to pick up anti-diarrhea meds.
Being a little selfish doesn't mean leaving on a month-long sabbatical to get your head on straight while spending gobs of cash that you don't have to spend. I know we could all use one of those - but don't be that selfish!
Most of the time when you take time for yourself you become a better, happier you.
Happier you = happier people around you.

2. LET LOOSE!
Spilled milk? I'm pretty sure someone somewhere has given a tutorial on how to clean it up.
No need to throw a bigger tantrum than your two-year-old.
Practice being care-free.
Roll with whatever life throws your way.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Daily dance parties!


3. CHANNEL YOUR INNER-CHILD
Again - daily dance parties!
Kids do stuff without caring what people think - you should follow suit.
Quit worrying about being judged.
Let your insecurities fly out the window.
Laugh! Have fun!


4. PURSUE NEW THINGS
Don't be afraid to go on adventures together.
The thought of a whining child, or a complaining spouse are enough to make anyone want to turn around. But I encourage you to push through!
Have an interest in something but it's too expensive? Search Craigslist or Facebook Sell Sites.
Ask friends & family if they have one you can borrow, give you, or chip in for.
A lot of times you just need to vocalize your want in order to receive it.

I hope you all feel a little more confident finding your WILD!

* wildflower * wildcat * wildfire * wildcard *wildebeest

So much love to you,      

                                   Nicole

How I Started To Enjoy Parenting Again!

I do not deserve a gold star for the past few months in regards to parenting.
I had a short fuse and couldn't seem to respond to things without snapping and/or yelling.
I had gotten into a routine, a rut, where I wasn't choosing to enjoy each day with my girls.
I had forgot that I am the one to set the example and the tone.

Step one was realizing this.
Step two was figuring out a solution.

Here are six things that help me change my bad attitude :  

1) Scream & Shake
When I feel myself getting frustrated with one or both of the girls I take a deep breath and say, "ready to scream and shake it out so we're happy the rest of the day?!"
Then we scream and shake our bodies.
Okay, I scream and shake it out while the girls look at me like I'm crazy.

2) Dance Parties
JUST DANCE!

3) A Simple Reminder
I set a timer on my phone to go off every day at 9am and 3pm :: "ENJOY THE GIRLS TODAY!!"

4) Pray
It really is that simple.
Pray.

5) Don't Be So Hard On Yourself
You will fail. But that doesn't make you a failure.
God designed our sweet little loves to forgive and forget easily.
They move on, and so should we.
But we also need to always strive to better ourselves.
Always strive to be the best parent you can be.
Just don't beat yourself up over every mistake.

6) Ask For Help
The other day I called my parents and asked them to watch the girls so I could have even just an hour to myself.
In the hour they were gone I MISSED them.
That short time apart helped me remember just how much I love them!

The days are long, but the years are short.

Always choose joy. 

Jeremiah 4:3b

Like a farmer breaking up hard unplowed ground, you must break your rebellious will and make a new beginning; just as a farmer must clear away thorns lest the seed is wasted, you must get rid of the sin that is ruining your lives.

Poop Explosions!

Oh my gosh you guys! I WISH someone would have shown me this trick earlier!!!!
So Penelope had three poop explosions that I can remember. When I say poop explosion I mean up the back, down the legs, up the front..you get it. With all three of those I seriously struggled to not get poop all over (even more so than it already was). I would pull her onesie off and as it was going up over her head it definitely smeared in her hair, once on her face, just EVERYWHERE!
So now with Lillian, I'm like, "hey..pro here." NOPE! And let me tell you, I don't know if we've made it three days without an explosion from this little one. It's not the diaper size (I've tried switching). So with all these explosions I was losing my mind! We're talking bath after bath, up to five in one day. So one night I'm scrolling through Pinterest and there it is : my godsend! Thank you Jesus for the person who figured this out! May this help you, whoever you are changing newborn poop explosions!

They created onesies with that fold-over flap so you can pull it DOWN over their arms, and down their body so NO MORE POOP IN THEIR HAIR (or on their face)!!! I just can't tell you how much I appreciated seeing this and now a poop explosion ain't no thang!

I hope that this helps at least one person as much as it has helped me!

Heart Cleanse

I've been doing a little inward cleaning lately and my! oh my! is my heart dirty.
I harbor hate, negativity, bitterness & anger.
I didn't even know I was holding so tightly to these feelings until a few recent incidences.
How do I feel about this realization?
Wonderful!  [I hope you can detect the sarcasm.]
It is never an awesome thing to realize how ugly your heart is. 
I don't want to be a bitter old lady at the age of 25!
What young female aspires to that?!
With this ugliness happening on the inside I have come to find out it pours out of me as being standoffish and rude.
If I were asked to describe myself I would have never thought to use those two words.
I realized I was holding on to bad feelings, but not that it was making me treat people in a bad way.
I am extremely grateful for a friend who pointed this out to me.
Sometimes I can be extremely oblivious to how I treat others or the "vibes" I give off.
I would hope that all of my friends and family love me enough to be brutally honest and tell me how I'm acting is not ok.
Seriously.
Brutally honest.
I need it!
I don't want Penelope to grow up with a rude mom.
I read a blog post I found on either Facebook or Pinterest and it really spoke to me.
Raising a Kind Daughter by Kari Kampakis...basically she says to have a kind daughter you have to be a kind mother.
It makes perfect sense. 
Children mirror the actions they see.
If I want Penelope to be a sweet, kind, loving, positive individual then I need to live those qualities out myself.
Am I going to mess up still and have a bad day and act out of anger? Most definitely.
But am I going to strive really hard to change my attitude into one I want Penelope to mirror? You betcha!
Penelope deserves it.
Zach deserves it.
Truly anyone I encounter deserves it.

Proverbs 10:12

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Proverbs 29:11 

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.